Tough Week

Dear Lord,
Farah, Ed, Billy, David, and Michael!

Why oh why?,
Michael

I'm In Love With You, Hot Dog

Dear Food Critics, Junk Food Fans, Trend Setters, and Everyone else in between,

Pictured above is the TWO, yes TWO ways a hot dog is to be made. As you can see above, you have your traditional New York and Chicago Dogs respectively. The reason I feel the need to explain this to the world, is because there's an alarming long lasting trend throughout New York, and extending outside, of taking perfectly created junk food, and making it 'FANCY'.

I have two major reservations about this: 1) It enables and embraces the wealthy, established, over-stylized scene, by tempting them to participate in an ironic guilty pleasure 2) Don't mess with food perfection.

In the current issue of New York magazine there's a brief article entitled 'Haute Dog" (BARF!) showing 5 super special brand new hot dogs you can find in this city.

You have a Banh Mi (classic Vietnamese Sandwich) style hot dog with cilantro, carrots, and jalapenos (no idea why). You have one with fresh basil, olive, and tomato, AND THEN you have the cheapest but most disgusting "Keema Chili Dog' with ground duck keema, kimchee, and what looks like potatoes.

SIMPLY PUT : THIS. IS. NOT. COOL.

To top it off, prices range from $5 to $13 for a HOT DOG, 13 DOLLARS FOR A HOT DOG!!! A HOT DOG!!!!!!! 13 DOLLARS!!! YES, YOU READ CORRECTLY. FOR A "CLEVERLY EMBELLISHED HOT DOG!"

Stop it,
Michael

Not a Cloud in the Sky, Except for that One Huge One

Dear Weather,

Way to go!!! You are so awesome right now. It's June 21st, and not a single ray of sun this month. You make the economy seem like a free double cheesburger and a handful of Xanax.

Love, current hermit,
Michael

The day everything changed

Dear Goals, Hope, Faith, and Aspirations,

I'm about to take over the world, and no one is gonna stop me.

Yours Truly,
Michael

If I Wasn't So Poor, I'd Probably Be Homeless

Dear Grace,

Work is terrible today, I'm gonna go drink a liter of tequila, have a rad time (hiking the mountains of sunny California adorned with the finest flannel that Essex, Maryland can provide, instead of witnessing the tears and tension that comes with 7 lay offs at kidrobot).

Love,
Michael

5 bucks or less

Dear Loneliness,

Oh yeah? Well I slept with a ham and swiss FRIDAY, and a nutty bar SATURDAY!

What did you do?,
Michael

And Every Bodies Wonderin' : Whatsa-Mattah Wit' Jew?

Dear Ancestry,

Whats goin on?? I walked outside into the muggy wasteland and I look like a midtown poodle here. I guess thats a built in defense to hide my horns.

Being a jew is alright,
Michael

Insert 'Folk' Pun Here ______

= YAWN!









Dear Reader(s),

I had a grand ol' timey time in New York City last night at The Mercury Lounge, but it's a strange/somewhat disappointing sensation being lulled to sleep at a rock show.

Heyyyyyyyy, I know! I know!! Let's have a do over!! This time set the stage on fire with post-apocalyptic level pyrotechnics, unleash a pack of scantily clad babes from a lion's cage, and highlight your guitar wizardry with plenty of ZZ Top-isms.

I mean, we all paid 12 dollars, pretty sure we want to be entertained.

No pressure....I guess,
Michael

Razlet

Dear Beth,

I know I ask a lot of my friends, but honestly, it's Saturday afternoon and I have yet to receive your aforementioned 'razlet' in the mail. If I do not receive this token of our friendship soon, I have no choice but to assume that we are nothing more than acquaintances. Oh yeah, and if its not made of exquisite 300 count yarns from around the world, dont bother sending it at all. You know what they say, 'that michael, hes an exquisite man, with exquisite tastes'.

Thanks for your understanding,
Michael

Guess Who's Not Getting My Money?

Dear Goucher,

I appreciate, and am impressed with, your persistence in attempting to get your hands on my money. However, armed with the precious 'life skills' that you've provided me, I make a whopping $36,000 a year in the most expensive city in the country. Just wondering, was the $120,000 not enough for your 3rd rate education? Oh yeah, and its your fault I have lymes disease; who knew that if you built a college campus where the deer overpopulate the students that that might be an issue? Thank you so much <3

Seriously?
Michael

The Zombies - Odessey and Oracle

Dear Dan,

You have no idea that I have been looking for an original of this record for 5 painfully long years. I've experienced the most intense extremes of various emotions while trying to obtain a good copy of this for a reasonable price. I'm not a record collector, this is just the BEST record ever, and I need to have it. So Dan, why after I prepay for it plus shipping no less, do you make me wait FOREVER, to the point in which I need to remind you via email, to send it to me? Is there really that much magical wonderment and joyful happenings in Mystic Harbor, CT that it slipped your bald fucking mind? I mean you seem like a great guy, but unless you are too busy adding unnecessary 'E's to the end of every Martha-Stewart-vomit-enducingly-quaint store in your pastel town, I don't think you really have an excuse!!

Jesus Dude,
Michael

The NBA Finals

VS.

Dear Dwight Howard,

I'm sorry that basketball fans around the world doubt you. Miraculously you aren't a household name regardless of your alarmingly handsome Biden-esque smile, and penchant for dunking the living shit out of a basketball. You are the superstar that I pray will save us all from seeing happiness brought to the dregs of America (LA). For your trouble, the basketball gods (including myself) will provide you with a championship trophy, an axe body spray endorsment deal, and a brand new Shaq freestyle.

Much Respect,
Michael

Good Morning

Dear Mom,

Thanks for the good idea, you are filled with good ideas, most of which i never listen to, because i want to be a rebelious teenager, but i wasnt rebelious when i was teenager, and im not rebelious now. I don't care what the others say, you're alright by me.

Love Always,
Michael